I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…