It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.