reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
channeling her this year
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean