A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home