Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
You Might Also Like
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse