Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Nice try, NASA
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
❤️🦆
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Good news
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.