My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
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Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die