GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds