THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking