See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Trumpy Cat
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.