I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
just make the entire table out of coaster
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.