ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
is this store having a stroke wtf
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started