Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.