My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You Might Also Like
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
real
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.