*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
This line from Airplane.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?