No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
#Caturday
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.