He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
can’t catch a break
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.