I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂