No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?