*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Flock of bats
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off