Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
motivation
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Yup….perfect score!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it