[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
peep davidson
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.