I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
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First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.