Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The first one, obviously
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life