1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I’m confused about plants
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes