My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*