*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
You Might Also Like
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*pronounces woah like Noah*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Tell the colonel to bring it