Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.