A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
You sure about that?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Waiting for the Charmin
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.