Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
You Might Also Like
Simple enough.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.