Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue