Matt Goss
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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I love art.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
this came to me in a vision