Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.