I want this so bad
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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
All generalizations are stupid.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.