At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.