*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Camping tip: No.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Beware of the dog..
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?