Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
just witnessed a drug deal
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach