I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.