“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
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My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?