Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.