If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms