me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.