Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
mmm onion ringos
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
When ur friends with white people
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.