People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
me as a parent
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler