How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
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If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Me in tagged photos
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Succinctly put.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch