it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word