Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.