My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
You Might Also Like
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Taking phone security to the next level.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
OH. COME. ON.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?