I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Why soy sad?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.