We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
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[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white